you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
