seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
