Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
