I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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