Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
