If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
