I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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