I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.