i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love