mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again