On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Randomize