You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
