I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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