Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
