she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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