the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
