And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
