Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
