Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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