I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
