Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
another moral hangover. fuck.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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