You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
