My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
