Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
