Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
