Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
