At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
