I hope mine doesn't look like that
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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