I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
