booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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