I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
