now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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