Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
