I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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