Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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