My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
