I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
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Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
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You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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