I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
