We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
