i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
