1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
