it's too hot outside to masturbate.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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