I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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