I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
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The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
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I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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