sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
