you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
They have beer where we have blood.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
