My liver just broke up with me...
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize