My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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