Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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