I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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