apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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