New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
