Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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