Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
