I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
