I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
