i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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