Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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