he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
